"First, Do No Harm" and the Night I Finally Asked for Help
Content warning: Major spoilers for First, Do No Harm. Discussion of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, sexual assault, transphobia, body dysphoria and serious bodily injury
A friend recommended First, Do No Harm to me and said it was perfect for me. I trusted him enough that I went in completely blind
He was right
The play touched on self-harm, trans issues, feeling like you are in the wrong body, medical control and hating your body enough that you want to destroy it. It was almost perfectly designed to trigger me
My friend understood my interests. He just could not have known I was already close to breaking
Going in blind
I went alone after work. I had not read the content warning and thought the play was about an athlete with a damaged shoulder who wanted some dangerous surgery so he could continue competing
I had already had a rough week
A friend had been sexually assaulted, which brought up my own unresolved experience. I felt partially responsible and had also become his only support person
I had also had an uncomfortable conversation with my partner that brought up my fear that nobody could ever fully accept me for being trans
I did not think I was in crisis when I entered the theatre. I just knew I was tired and had not been doing well
Thinking Alexei was trans
Alexei is nineteen and training to become an Olympic swimmer. His dad, Robbo, is a former swimmer who now coaches him, while his mum, Melissa, is a successful surgeon
Early in the play, Alexei asks his mum what she thinks about trans women competing in sport. Later, he talks to a psychologist about feeling uncomfortable in his body since childhood
I assumed he was going to come out as trans. That made me identify with him before I knew what he was actually going to say
I know what it is like to feel wrong in your body and to struggle to explain that feeling to someone else
Then Alexei told his parents he wanted his arm removed
He has Body Integrity Dysphoria. He feels that one of his healthy arms should not be part of his body and wants a surgeon to amputate it
I do not have BID, but I do understand hating your body so much that you want to destroy it
A lot of my desire to hurt myself is connected to my body, and a lot of that is related to being trans
If I try to transition properly and still cannot stand my body, what comes after that?
The last time I self-harmed, I felt absolutely nothing physically because of nerve damage. I knew the next time I might go much deeper while trying to feel something, or open the Pandora’s box of cutting somewhere else
Alexei made those thoughts less vague
The scream
Alexei tries to do things properly. He talks to a psychologist, researches BID and finds a surgeon willing to take him seriously
His parents search for other explanations. Maybe he wants to escape swimming. Maybe he wants to compete in the Paralympics because it would be easier
The arguments were not identical to those used against trans people, but they had the same shape. You are confused. You do not understand what you want. There must be another explanation
The surgery does not happen
Later, the room goes dark. Alexei’s dad is getting into a car drunk, so I thought there was going to be an accident
Then there was a horrific scream
I did not know whether Alexei had injured himself, whether it was a suicide attempt or whether his dad had done something to him. Alexei apologised and said he loved his dad
I only understood what had happened when his mum deliberately drove over his hand again
I remember covering my mouth. It was the kind of gesture I thought people only pretended to do in films
I curled up into a ball
The frightening part was that I could follow how Alexei got there. He tried to explain himself, tried to get help and was refused before doing it himself
My brain mistook being able to understand his actions for them being justified
Maybe if I had tried to transition properly and failed, destroying my body was the next logical step
In the theatre, that felt believable enough to scare me
Asking for help
I stayed for the applause while trying to decide whether I would be safe if I went home. I knew I could not take the bus, so I got into a taxi
In the car, I messaged a group of friends and asked whether I could stay at someone’s house or sit on their couch for an hour
Then I deleted the message because I did not want to be a burden
I told myself I could take Valium and wait. The Valium became an excuse not to ask for anything from anyone
After taking it, I realised I could not gamble on feeling better. I knew I might get worse and act before becoming willing to tell anyone what was happening
Normally I might have self-harmed and waited for the crisis to pass. This time I did not trust what self-harm might turn into
I sent the message again and arranged to meet my friend T
While I waited, the thoughts kept jumping between different ways I could seriously hurt myself. I covered my face with a blanket, held my head in my hands, listened to music, watched TikTok and screamed into a pillow
I was trying to get through each urge until I was no longer alone
Part of why I asked again was the realisation I wrote about in my post about Jax and The Amazing Digital Circus
I had recently realised that hiding how I feel can make people uncomfortable too, just in a different way from telling them
Remembering that did not make asking easy. I was terrified and running out of alternatives, but I knew I needed to suck it up and get help
Meeting with T
When I met T, I told them everything. The conversation was very matter of fact, which helped
I did not need a dramatic intervention. I needed to not be alone and to talk without immediately trying to make everything sound less serious
I gave T my blades
They told me about their previous experience supporting people who self-harmed and how they had dealt with it. Them saying that made me feel like reaching out again was possible
Afterwards
Asking for help worked. I stayed safe
Things with T have been awkward but fine, although I have not processed whether the night changed anything between us
I worry that asking someone for help like that changes the relationship from a friendship between equals into a caretaker relationship. I worry that I put T in that position, although I do not know whether T experienced it that way
I do not want them to feel responsible for monitoring me, and I do not want my friends to see me as fragile or as someone they need to manage
I also cannot honestly say I would have been fine alone
The play really was perfect for me. My friend understood my interests almost exactly. It was dark, challenging and touched on things I already spend too much time thinking about
He just could not have known what state I was in
I loved the play and I am glad I asked for help after it. I think I did something brave
The part I do not know is whether I could do it early enough next time. Whether I could ask while I still understood that I needed help, before my brain found another excuse to wait
I managed to ask that night
I do not know whether that has made asking again any easier