I Know This Is Disordered Eating. I’m Doing It Anyway
This is not a post about gradually falling into an eating disorder without realizing what was happening
I knew what I was doing
A few weeks ago I spent several days hating how I looked and decided I needed to do something about it. I started fasting, eating an overly restrictive amount when I did eat and purging when I went beyond what I had allowed myself
I know fasting to deal with bingeing is not normal. I know purging is not normal. I knew there were risks before I started and still decided weight loss mattered more
I do not know if I meet the criteria for an eating disorder yet but I am doing something disordered enough that the distinction does not feel all that important
History
I was overweight from a fairly young age but I only became properly conscious of my body around the age of 16
Looking back, I had always snacked a lot. Whenever I had pocket money I would spend it on snacks but I do not remember thinking much about what that meant for my body
Eventually I started comparing myself to the people I found interesting or admired and realized they were all thinner than me
I did not admire them because they were thin but once I noticed the pattern I could not stop noticing it. Being the overweight person in a friend group of thin people makes you feel like an outsider even though nobody has ever actually excluded me because of my weight
Losing weight worked before
I successfully lost weight once around three or four years ago
I ate less, went to the gym and gradually became thinner. I eventually stopped trying, returned to my old habits and gained the weight back over a year
I am now heavier than I was before I started that attempt
It would be convenient if I could say losing weight did not make me feel better or that I just found different things to hate but unsurprisingly I liked my reflection more when I was thinner
Most of my other attempts since then lasted around three days before I returned to eating normally. That made this attempt feel different when I managed to continue for a full week even though the main reason it lasted longer may be that I made it much more extreme
The binging
For around the past year or two I would sometimes order food two or three times in a day and order too much each time
It was not physical hunger. I would see something that looked nice and want the experience of tasting it. Boredom and stress made that desire harder to ignore
Once the food arrived, leaving anything behind felt like wasting money and abandoning potential dopamine. I would keep eating after I was full because the alternative was throwing away something I had paid for and could still enjoy
Afterwards I would generally end up in a heavy and unpleasant food coma
Maybe that numbed things out in some weird way. I did not have to feel lazy when I had the excuse of being exhaustingly full and physically unable to do much
I had wondered whether I might have binge eating disorder. I did not know if I met the criteria and I did not think a diagnosis would excuse my appearance or mean I deserved help
I was still overweight
The possible eating disorder had helped create a body I hated. Giving it a name would not reverse that
The current pattern feels different because it might actually fix something
Fighting for scraps of femininity
I do not know where my weight-related body hatred ends and gender dysphoria begins
I hate how my stomach protrudes. If I suck it in, my ribs flare instead. I hate the fat beneath my arms and the silhouette all of this gives me
I know cis women come in different shapes and sizes. Some probably have bodies fairly similar to mine and I would not look at them and decide they were not women
It feels different when it is my body
When someone’s first read of me is male, anything that could otherwise be read as neutral or androgynous becomes masculine. Being trans makes me feel like I have to fight for every little scrap of femininity
Being thinner might make my silhouette look more femme. Even if it does not, it would remove one part of my reflection that I already know I hate
I also think it would make me more tolerable
Nobody has ever complained about my weight and logically I know my friends do not care. In my head they are still having to tolerate me being an overweight, mentally ill trans girl
Maybe people can accept one flaw but not all of them
Losing weight would remove one item from the list, even if I am the only person keeping it
Remembering that purging was an option
The decision to try purging again came from a TikTok video
A face painter was talking about people saying one of her designs could be triggering for someone with an eating disorder. Hearing that reminded me that purging was an option
It was a little like the presentations we had at school about recognizing bullying which probably also taught bullies how to hide it better
The video did not teach me how to purge. It just reminded me that people did it at the exact point when I was desperate for a way to control what happened when I broke a fast
I had tried purging years earlier but could not do it, so I gave up
This time I tried again
The backup plan
Purging made the restriction feel more achievable because it gave me a backup plan
If I broke a fast and binged, maybe vomiting could stop one meal from undoing all the work that came before it. Eating would not automatically mean the plan had completely failed
During this first week I ate a very calorie-heavy meal and purged it. Afterwards I continued eating sweets over a longer period and did not purge them
I felt like I had lost control and eventually just resigned myself to it
The backup had failed
I did not interpret that as evidence that the plan itself was failing. I blamed myself, decided it was a one-time fuck up and became more focused on following the rules properly
My immediate thought was that if it happened again I might have to add exercise to compensate and punish myself. I would need to do something before the thought that I might as well give up sent me back to ordering food several times a day
The old eating habits are still what I am most afraid of
The simplicity of fasting
A slower and healthier method does not feel easier to me
It still involves the pain and discomfort of eating restrictively but stretches it over a much longer period. It also means exercising where other people can watch me look unfit or see that I do not understand the equipment or gym etiquette properly
I call myself lazy but that hides how self-conscious exercise makes me
Restriction happens in private
In theory, it is hard to be awkward or do it incorrectly when my sole job is to not eat. Nobody needs to watch me try, look inexperienced or fail. They only see anything if my body eventually changes
Following the rules gives me pride because I am finally doing something to fix my situation. I can make progress without having to exercise in front of anyone
It also means that when I eat, it does not feel like an ordinary decision or a meal
It feels like failing the one job I gave myself
Easy to hide
My friends do not know any of this
If someone suggests meeting at a restaurant or bar, I can suggest doing something else. If avoiding food once would be awkward, I can say I have a blood test the next morning that requires fasting
One skipped meal with one friend would not create a concerning pattern
They would see one reasonable excuse. They would not see the other meals I skipped or know why I needed the excuse
My psych knows I have started purging but that does not make me feel like I need help. I understand what I am doing and I am otherwise functioning normally
At the moment this is embarrassing but manageable
Temporary
I tell myself this is temporary
I have a particular weight in mind but what I actually want is a decent enough change in my reflection. I want my stomach to be flat or to at least know it is as flat as I can realistically make it
If my reflection changes enough before I reach the number, I think I could stop. If it does not, the bottom of the healthy BMI range is meant to be a hard endpoint where I can accept that I tried everything possible
Then I can look at other options like shapewear or surgery
Surgery is expensive and shapewear cannot change everything, including the fat in my face. Weight loss feels like the only accessible option that might change several parts of my body at once
The temporary part becomes less convincing when I imagine what happens afterwards
I think I will stop restricting once I reach my goal but I have already considered continuing to purge occasionally to maintain it. The endpoint still includes keeping the part of the disorder that feels useful
I knew better
I am in my late 20's
I feel like I am too old to be struggling with something like this. An adult should know better than to deliberately start fasting, bingeing and purging despite understanding the risks
It is embarrassing to reach this age and choose such a shitty solution
If another person told me they had done the same thing, I would not think they deserved less help. I know my view is neither normal nor fair
I still apply it to myself
I created this problem knowingly so it feels like something I should be responsible for. More importantly, I do not currently believe I need help escaping it
Help through the medical system would take time. Losing weight through a moderate restriction and exercise would also take much longer while still being difficult and uncomfortable
This is the first plan in a long time that feels like it might work
I am not frightened that I crossed the line. I am embarrassed and I know I may regret it down the line
I knew the risks and I knew this was disordered. I crossed the line anyway because right now, I still see it as useful
I may regret this later
Right now I still think it might remove one thing from the mirror that I hate