What I used to be

I  have... Whimsy???

Being Called Whimsical

I’ve been called whimsical twice now which is odd because I would never have chosen that word for myself

The second time was from my partner. I sent them a TikTok of a cat on the back of a motorbike, paddling through the air with a little propeller on it and said “one of us?” They replied “You cause you’re whimsical”

A friend had called me whimsical before that too, both times it was clearly affectionate I just didn’t really understand what they were seeing

What I think it means

At first I assumed it meant I do dumb little things

That is not entirely wrong, I’ve tried soft serve with Tabasco with a friend. I’ve done shower beers with my partner and while cat-sitting for another friend I kept sending them photos where I put their cats in silly situations

So yes, there is an obvious version of this where whimsical just means slightly stupid ideas with good timing but the more I thought about it the more it seemed like the pattern was not just silliness

Usually something normal is happening then a small idea appears and if I feel safe enough then I say it out loud instead of keeping it to myself

Sometimes it stays small, I once decided on the day that I needed to buy a shirt matching my partner’s dress for our date

Sometimes it becomes a whole event, I found out a friend would be in Japan for work while I was there on holiday so we went to a maid cafe for dinner because they could expense it

I once also convinced a friend to go on a surprise holiday with me without telling them where we were going only what to bring and it turned out to be a three-day cruise

That feels closer to it. Taking a normal moment and tilting it slightly off-center until it becomes a story

Why it has to be shared

I do not think this works alone

With another person it becomes a bit, a memory, proof that the day had some meaning to it. When alone the same feeling can feel less playful and more like I’m having a mental breakdown

That is probably why it mostly comes out when I feel safe. Usually that means someone close to me, sometimes it means someone distant enough that if they think I’m weird it does not really matter. Being drunk helps too

What I want is not really for someone to be impressed. I want them to have the same mindset I do "Fuck it, could be fun"

What it does for me

I think whimsy is one of the few ways I let myself be vulnerable in ordinary life

My default setting is careful, measured, desperate to avoid upsetting anyone. Whimsy feels like a brief way out of that box, a way to show affection without having to state it too directly. A way to make closeness feel easier and lighter

It is also one of the only ways (along with gift giving) that I reliably feel I can make people happy

The darker part

I wanna make "Dad lore". That is probably the clearest way to put it

I do not want time to pass in a flat blur where nothing happened. I want there to be amusing little things people can retell later just because they’re funny, oddly specific or very obviously me

There's a darker thought too, I spend a lot of time feeling depressed, lonely and confused. I worry I'm draining to be around but being called whimsical made me think that maybe people don't just experience me that way. Maybe they remember parts of me fondly

I also think a lot about dying (likely through suicide) and what my funeral would be like. I don't want to create a grand legacy but it would be nice if someone could say something kind when I'm no longer there

Fin

I still don't really understand what being whimsical is

Maybe it means I like making a day more alive than it needed to be. Maybe it means I am always looking for some small chance to turn an ordinary moment into something memorable

Or maybe it just means that every now and then when I feel safe enough, I say the stupid idea out loud

And sometimes someone says yes

Other "Whimsical" (dumbshit) I've done