Fears Of This Blogs Future
I think YouTube has rotted my brain.
Growing up, I watched so much of it that I feel like any personal writing must be formatted as if I'm addressing an audience with an overly cheery “Hey guys!”. It's a habit I'm consciously trying to avoid as I write this. Hopefully my future self won’t have a reason to regret that effort.
Regret
On the topic of regret, there are a few things (largely outside of my control) that could easily cause this blog to end up on the pile of things I wish I had never done.
1. Writing something pointless or dishonest
I struggle with being vulnerable and exposing myself. Rather than dealing with the root cause of that, I'm hoping to use this anonymous outlet to shout my feelings into the void of the unexplored internet.
I want to write about my honest thoughts and feelings without worrying about how others might react. Otherwise, if I’m stuck in self-censorship hell, I might as well continue living without this blog at all.
2. Being found out
The fear of how people perceive me is my greatest barrier to being vulnerable.
I don’t want my feelings or experiences behind closed doors to follow me into my day to day life.
3. Being seen as edgy, cringe, or attention-seeking
Even if no one ever finds out who I am, there’s still a particular kind of despair that comes from someone brushing you away when you're being completely vulnerable and honest.
Sharing the most interesting or happy things in your life doesn’t require vulnerability. Because of that, I expect this blog will mostly be about my struggles with:
- Self-harm
- Suicide
- Gender identity
- Loneliness
And whatever other things might belong in the tragic backstory of a “loner” D&D character.
I’m scared of addressing a hypothetical reader.
As much as I think that habit started from watching YouTube, doing it in my own writing now feels narcissistic. As if wanting someone to read or appreciate my work is selfish and something I’m undeserving of.